Royaume de Norvège {Kongeriket Norge}

So you probably haven’t noticed that our header image now changes, randomly rotating among a small set of obviously airbrushed photos. I don’t know about you, but every time I come to this website, I keep clicking “refresh” until the photo of Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg comes up. And then I forget what I was doing and get trapped in his passionate gaze. For hours. Incidentally, this is why our website is updated so infrequently.

Like all Norwegians, Jens Stoltenberg is descended from Vikings. By which of course I mean that his father was a viking. Yes, Forkbeard Stoltenberg terrorized the northern coast of Spain for most of the ’50s and ’60s by getting drunk and pillaging lawn furniture. But his inglorious origins aside, Jens Stoltenberg has become an extremely popular prime minister. I am basing this on the fact that his Twitter feed has over 16,000 followers, which is impressive when you consider that the whole thing is written in some sort of nonsense language, and the entire population of Norway is only 10,000 people.

Despite his overwhelming popularity and obvious hotness, Jens Stoltenberg is being forced to run for re-election in September. And so I pose this non-rhetorical question: What is wrong with Norway? If I were Norway, I would just declare Jens Stoltenberg Supreme Prime Minister for Life or Until He is No Longer That Hot, rather than risk the possibility of electing a less hot prime minister. But that’s the difference between me and Norway: I am right and Norway is wrong.

And so I call on you, the five people who read this website, to help me stop this tyranny of democracy and join me in voting for Jens Stoltenberg’s party in Norway’s upcoming parliamentary election! Together we would comprise nearly 20% of Norway’s voting-age population. (When I said that Norway had a population of 10,000, I neglected to mention that most of that is trolls and fjords. Trolls aren’t allowed to vote, and I honestly don’t know why Norway includes fjords when calculating its population.)

Here is the plan:

1. First we apply for Norwegian citizenship. The Constitution of Norway stipulates that to become a Norwegian citizen, one must:
1a. Fill out an online form.
1b. Lose 10 pounds.
1c. Kill a Swede.

2. Next we have to figure out what party Jens Stoltenberg is in. It’s probably in that wikipedia article I linked to before, but I don’t know, because the article looked kind of long. Let’s just make an educated guess. How about “Whig”?

3. We flood the polls on September 14 and vote for hotness!

Consider this your call to arms. (“Arms” in this case refers to your upper limbs, which presumably you will use to vote in the Norwegian election. Please, don’t try to fill out the ballot with your feet like you did in the American election last year. It’s just that sort of shenanigan that kept my Jens Stoltenberg For President write-in campaign from succeeding.)